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WELSH, offscreen: "Constable "
FRASER, offscreen, retreating rapidly: "Sir, I'll just retrieve Detective Vecchio."
WELSH: "In the hour of our greatest need, I see a vision. You're up Constable."
FRASER, offscreen, urgently: "Ray!"
The sounds of a scuffle offscreen.
FRASER, offscreen, desperately: "Partners, Ray."
RAY, offscreen: "Hah! Your turn, buddy. Don't worry, I got your back."
FRASER, dressed in formal red serge, standing at parade rest: "I'm not really sure this is entirely appropriate given that I'm not an American -"
RAY, offscreen: "C'mon Frase, they got drugs in Canada right? We'll send 'em a copy."
CAMERA CREW, offscreen: "Time, please.
FRASER: "Oh, dear."
CAMERA CREW, offscreen: "Three, two, one rolling."
FRASER "Yes, well I think my concerns can be best illustrated by an event that occurred in my fifth year in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police "
A faint groan from off camera.
FRASER " - as you can see by my uniform I'm a member of that organization and when I was stationed at Ilkukulickt the locals became convinced that a monster had taken residence along the path to the seal hunting grounds. Winter was coming on and without the annual seal hunt, the village was in danger of starvation - the situation had become untenable. As the only representative of law in the area it was my duty to investigate and apprehend this monster."
CAMERA CREW, offscreen: "Twenty seconds."
CAMERA CREW, offscreen, muttering: Ilkukicu - what?"
RAY, offscreen: "Nevermind, it's north of Runamukluk."
FRASER "I staked out the area in question and after an event with a rather amorous sea lion that doesn't need exploring at this juncture "
RAY, offscreen: "C'mon Frase!"
FRASER "Yes, Ray. I tracked the monster to it's lair only to discover nothing more than one of the local girls who'd managed to ferment the rare arctic lichen into a hallucinogenic potion -"
CAMERA CREW, offscreen: "Fifteen seconds."
FRASER, hurrying: "-which she'd been selling to the hunters as an magic drink that would imbue their harpoons with the strength of the hunting god Agloolik and insure a good hunt. This sort of thing is entirely traditional among the Inuit -"
LT. WELSH, offscreen: "This is supposed to be an anti-drug add, Constable."
FRASER "Understood. After investigating her supplies I discovered she'd added dissolved tablets of Vivarin, which had the effect of keeping the hunters up for days at a time and resulted in rather intense hallucinations - the Inuit of the area being totally unfamiliar with caffeine "
RAY, offscreen: "Fraser, I'm dying here. Is there, y'know, a point?"
FRASER: "Indeed, Ray. I think it wise to avoid illicit drug use because you never know when an amorous sea lion might be in the area."
RAY, offscreen: "Fraser!"
FRASER : "So, just say "No. Thank you kindly."
CAMERA CREW, offscreen: "CUT!"